


Reflections on the Past

by Es_Aitch



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e06 The Doctor's Daughter, Gen, Not Slash, Post Episode: s04e16 Waters of Mars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-06 22:51:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/741084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Es_Aitch/pseuds/Es_Aitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a two-shot.  Tenth Doctor reflects with Donna about the Time War and later Future!Doctor meets Jack to reflect about what happened on Mars.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. End of the Time War

**Author's Note:**

> I view the Doctor as Asexual, so even if the emotional (or in Jack's case physical) undercurrents hint at something other than fierce friendship, it's not.

* * *

**Additional Note** :  I don't own the characters or references to the aforementioned episodes. I do however own this concept of the weapon the Doctor had to use to end the Time War. Also, this was originally written before "End of Time" aired, so this chapter has been adjusted to be compliant with that episode as well (IE: The name of the weapon only, my concept for the weapon works disturbingly well with that episode). 

* * *

 

The Doctor returned to the TARDIS having left Martha. He barely glanced at Donna as he made his way to the console. He put them hovering in the Time Vortex and then left to go to the main part of the ship. All he wanted to do was mourn Jenny. Donna watched him as all his movements seemed somewhat mechanical. It hurt her to see him hurting so much, but she knew approaching him right now would only drive him deeper into the hole into which he wanted to disappear.

She glanced up at the Central Column, even the TARDIS seemed to be subdued to match his mood. Donna sighed, "Guess it's just you and me, Girl."

Donna felt an affectionate brush across her mind. Donna rested her palm flatly against the column, "Is there anyway to help him?"

She felt the TARDIS consider her question. After a few minutes, one of the buttons on the console began to flash and Donna got the distinct impression she was to press it. She glanced around the control room, but the Doctor was nowhere in sight. She called to him and waited for a reply, but none came. She had flown the TARDIS that one time, but she was afraid to do anything without the Doctor standing there. The flashing was insistent and the impression in her mind encouraging. She swallowed thickly and pressed the button.

The change in the ship brought the Doctor running to the control room, "Donna! What did you do?"

Donna said, "I pressed that button."

The Doctor's eyes went large for a moment, "I told you not to touch anything with out me around, why would you do that?"

The Doctor was dashing madly around the console looking for any indication of things that might go terribly wrong. Donna shrugged, "She told me to..."

The Doctor replied, "She told... she? She who?"

Donna pointed up and said, "Why? What did I press?"

Once the Doctor was satisfied with the readings, he replied, "That one happens to be a pre-programed button: Earth Random. So we're going to some where, some WHEN on Earth."

"Well," Donna sighed with relief, "Earth's not so bad."

The Doctor watched all the monitors, but he knew everything would be alright. He was angry that Donna had touched anything without him there, but knew the TARDIS could be very... persuasive. The Materialization Sequence began... When they stepped out, he knew it was not as random as he would have wanted. The TARDIS had placed them in a space that looked so like Gallifrey, it nearly broke him. Oh, it was Earth: green grass, blue skies, that human-y smell that only comes from one planet... but the location. The way the land became hills and the mountains rimmed the edges always reminded him of home. He knew there was no use arguing with her because he knew why she had brought him here: it was _time_.

He had avoided thinking about it for so long... and now, he had to face what he had done. Because everything was his fault. Besides with everything that had happened with Jenny, he realized Donna just might be the first companion he has had who could handle the information. Still, he did not feel ready, so with heavy hearts, he turned to enter the TARDIS once again. But, just at that moment, Donna was stepping out with a blanket and a picnic basket.

"I think the TARDIS wants to stay a bit," Donna said, cheerfully, if a bit carefully, "Come on, Space-man."

It was at that moment that the Doctor realized Donna understood something important was about to happen. In her typical Donna fashion, she was doing everything she could to make him feel as comfortable as possible. When they were settled down she met his eyes with nothing but compassion. "She knows how to pick 'em," Donna said, "This place is beautiful."

The Doctor repeated without enthusiasm, "Yeah, beautiful. And chosen on purpose."

Donna raised an eyebrow. The Doctor sighed, "The colors are different here, the smells are Earthy, but this isn't all that different from the place where I grew up."

Donna glanced around her, "Really? A place on Earth looks like Galefri?"

The Doctor smirked sadly as he corrected her, "Gall-if-RAY."

She nodded, "Sorry."

He shrugged, "It's alright."

"But," she continued, "This place looks like it?"

The Doctor nodded, "Well, the grass should be red, the sky orange and the leaves on the trees silver, but yeah, actually it does look quite a bit like it."

Donna leaned back on her elbows trying to imagine the place around them with the colors the Doctor had just described. "It must have been beautiful," she sighed after a time.

The Doctor only nodded. They returned to their companionable silence.  After a time, Donna spoke again, "You said she chose it on purpose?"

The Doctor nodded, "Sometimes when I need to feel safe, I come here. It's the closest thing I have now to the real thing."

Donna turned to face him, "What about the Gardens?"

The Doctor was looking at some far off point, "They're alright, but it's not the same as feeling the pull of gravity or feeling the planet turning beneath my feet, or butt in this case." He flashed her a smile, but it did not reach his eyes.

Donna did not know how to continue, "So, you come here to feel safe? Why would you need to feel safe right now?"

Donna had her suspicions that it was related to Jenny's death, but did not want to pressure him to talk about something he was not ready to. He had revealed so much about himself on that trip. Not just about the kind of father he had been, but about everything he had lost. The Doctor sighed, "Because the TARDIS has decided that I'm ready to tell someone about the War. Or more specifically what I did to end it."

Donna shifted uncomfortably, she was not sure she wanted to be the one to hear this story. The Doctor shifted so that he was looking at her, "Remember Pompeii and the Pyrovillian? And what I.... What you helped me to do? The choice that had to be made?"

Donna shuddered slightly while nodding. Suddenly, tears streamed down Donna's cheeks as she realized the implications of what the Doctor had just asked. Her voice broke, "That was the same decision you were faced with before... during the War?"

A single tear slid down the Doctor's cheek and he offered a slight nod. Understanding crossed Donna's sad features, "And that's why you always give them a choice... why choice is so important to you... Because you had none."

The Doctor sighed heavily, "Oh I had a choice: It was the Time Lords and Gallifrey; the Daleks and Skaro or the whole of creation."

If the situation were not so serious Donna would have smirked at that. Instead she stated it plainly, "That's not much of a choice."

The Doctor only shrugged. She rested a hand on his shoulder, "Tell me?"

The Doctor looked at her as if she was holding a fire-hot poker. He shook his head. She held his gaze and repeated, "Tell me."

"Donna," he said, half whining and half warning, "After what happened with the Ood Song? This is worse, so much worse than that."

Donna squeezed his shoulder, "That was different, it was like they were in my head. I don't want you to _show_ me. I want you to _tell_ me."

This is why the Doctor loved Donna so much, she knew her limits but was not afraid to push them. And she certainly was not afraid to push anyone else's. That, and they were mates. She was not afraid to have him in her head the way Rose was. Donna just accepted him as the alien space-boy, with all his abilities and now, as she was starting to understand, his pain and suffering. He did not know why he was delaying. Donna was brilliant, she had already pieced together so much of the story. But she wanted to hear it... from him... and that terrified him more than anything. He was afraid if he opened up this part of himself it would be like Jenny: the second he did, he would lose her forever. Donna was not someone he could lose. She was not a Time Lord, but with her ability to hold him in check and accountable, she may as well be. He sighed as he realized that was another aspect he really liked about her: somehow she understood that she was as alien to him as he was to her. There was never any fear or doubt on her part, just unceasing acceptance. That acceptance warmed and lit even the coldest and darkest parts of himself.

He slowly met her eyes and her gaze burned away all his resistance. He started barely above a whisper, "You're right... It wasn't a choice. The Universe took - takes precedence over everything else. Unlike Pompeii, it wasn't a button."

Donna raised an eyebrow. " _Ah, humans and their technology_!" he thought, " _They always,_ ** _always_** _presume it was a button_."

A button was too cold and distant for the Time Lords, no, they demanded total sacrifice for that weapon. He continued quietly, " _The Moment_ was a weapon of last resort. Time Lords are telepathic. And in order to use that weapon..." He broke off, overcome with emotion, but holding in enough so as not to cry.

Donna's eyes went large as she began to comprehend what the Doctor was saying.

He swallowed and continued, "Using it had to be an act of the will. A conscious decision."

Tears welled in Donna's eyes, "I'm sorry, I never..."

She could not finish her statement, knowing no words could balm the deep wounds that had undoubtedly been left behind. The Doctor made no move, neither to comfort Donna, nor to allow himself to be comforted by her.

"I didn't expect to live... I wasn't supposed to. That weapon was supposed to destroy everything."

Donna's hand moved across his back and rested on his other shoulder, pulling him in to a side-hug. He did not say any more... he could not. There was something about the casual gentleness of Donna's hug that broke something within him. 

He cried.

He cried for hours, it seemed. Donna was her brilliant self, crying with him, but quietly enough to join with him in his sorrow and not distract him from it. 

When his tears had slowed to quiet hiccups, Donna spoke gently, "So, it's not that some part of you died with them like you said earlier... You had to consciously remove it... For the sake of creation, you had to kill that part of yourself. So with Jenny... Oh, Doctor, I am so, so sorry."

The Doctor allowed himself to be comforted by Donna's arms, even though he had no more tears. Donna took his cheek in her palm and brushed the remaining tears away with her thumbs. "What you're feeling now, though, proves something, Doctor."

He met her eyes.

She continued, "It proves that you're not dead... that part of yourself is still alive, if it weren't, it wouldn't hurt."

The Doctor let Donna's words sink in before he responded. He was searching her eyes for some indication of her meaning, because he was not sure he wanted to believe what she was saying. He could find no words to adequately express what was running through his mind. Finally, he settled on, "Donna Noble. Thank you." 

After a bit more silence as each recollected themselves, Donna set out the picnic and they ate to their fill. After they cleaned up, the Doctor picked up the basket and Donna took the blanket. The Doctor offered her his arm as they were going to return to the TARDIS. He paused taking in his surroundings, "You're right Donna. It really is beautiful here."


	2. The Waters of Mars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Future!Doctor seeks out Jack because he needs absolution for the crimes he committed on Mars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is adapted from something I've written for another story ( _Heart of the TARDIS_ \- to be posted later). But, it's edited and slightly different to work as a stand alone

It had been years since the Doctor had seen Jack, mostly because the Doctor was not sure he could face Jack. He was not sure he wanted to. Yet, this day, his conscious burned with deep regret. There are not many people a Time Lord could go to in order to confess their crimes and sins. The reality, was, for the Doctor, Jack was the only one left. Jack was the only one with enough longevity to understand what the Doctor was about to confess. They were sitting on a park bench near a nondescript lake in the United States of America. It did not feel right to the Doctor to reveal these things in Britain where so much of the pain had been realized.

"So, what's up, Doc?" Jack asked in his typically cheery voice, "Long time, no see. By the looks of you, a very long time."

The Doctor just smirked, "You have no idea."

Jack tried to make eye contact, "So, what's this all about? I mean, this is a lovely place and all, but a little out of the ordinary, don't you think?"

The Doctor smiled, "Well, then you should feel right at home."

Jack chuckled.

The Doctor finally met his eyes, "Jack, there's something I need to tell you and I don't know how."

Jack smiled warmly, "You're in love with me, is that it? It's okay. I'm quite used to it."

Jack began to giggle at his own joke, the Doctor sighed shaking his head, but could not help the smile that crossed his lips. Some things just did not change. Silent tears began running down the Doctor's cheeks, "You don't understand, Jack. You don't know what I've done. What led to my tenth regeneration... I've never told anyone."

Jack cupped the Doctor's face in his hands and brushed the tears away with his thumbs, "You're still you and I'm still me. You know you can tell me anything."

The Doctor said nothing for a few moments as they looked into each other's eyes. Jack encouraged him, "Please, don't shut me out now."

The Doctor nodded slightly and Jack released him. He dried his eyes with the back of his hand and took a deep breath as he gazed across the tranquil waters. He knew what he could and could not reveal to Jack. Actually, he knew he could tell Jack every detail, if he wanted, Jack understood how his life worked better than anyone else. The Doctor met Jack's eyes, "I was on Mars in November of 2059. It was the first human settlement in space. But, I arrived on the day it was destroyed - the day that everyone there was to die. I had to leave the base... because what happened there was a 'fixed moment.'"

He sighed heavily. Jack nodded, understanding how the Doctor sees timelines, "You couldn't save them."

The Doctor's eyes went large for a moment, but he continued with his story, "I had been thinking that everything I did - or didn't do, makes things happen. Like Pompeii. I had told Adelaide, 'Most times I can save someone - or anyone. But, not you.' I said that her death was fixed in time forever. She presumed that I would die with them and when I told her no, she asked what would save me. I told her she would."

He broke off as a wave of emotion hit him. Jack had nothing but compassion in his eyes. After a few moments of silence, he encouraged him, "Doctor?"

The Doctor took another shaky breath, "As I walked away, I heard the Flood taking them over, one by one. Then one of the brilliant humans used his last bit of humanity to blow up the shuttle. That would have been the Flood's only way off the planet. He saved Earth, Jack, and who knows how many other planets. Sacrificed himself and the others, but saved everything from the Flood. The blast tossed me about 9 meters. And when I started to get up... I thought about what it meant to be a Time Lord... to be the Last of the Time Lords. And something snapped in me. I realized that as a Time Lord - the _only_ Time Lord - I could save them! Fixed Moments be damned!" 

The emotions the Doctor had felt so long ago came rushing to the surface as he told the story. "I decided that we weren't fighting the Flood. We were fighting time itself and this time... Just. This. Once. I was going to win!"

Jack's face betrayed the horror he felt as the Doctor continued with his story. Jack was drawn in to witness the demise of his beloved and passive (almost to a fault) Doctor. For once, Jack did not interrupt the Doctor's tale, though he had many questions. The Doctor recounted using Gadget to materialize the TARDIS to the area they were trapped. The Time Lord had tears of regret as he talked about how he had brought the humans back to Earth. His regret was then taken over by anger at himself, "I was so arrogant. I actually expected them to thank me! I had told Adelaide that she had to die that day for the future of the human race and then when I saved her, I actually expected her to be grateful! She challenged me, Jack. She saw that I was no longer a Time Lord, but a Lord over Time." He smirked sadly at himself, "And all I could tell her was, 'Tough.'" He sighed, "I was a power hungry fool. I had become that which I had so often fought against. I gave myself a new name that night: 'The Time Lord Victorious.' She continued to challenge me and her last words to me were, 'Is there nothing you can't do?' I told her, 'Not anymore.'" 

The Doctor was crying afresh and Jack was still too horrified to touch the Doctor. He was not sure he had ever seen the Time Lord look so - so alien.

"I turned to leave," the Doctor continued when he could speak again. "I had seen the corrected time-lines and everything would happen just as it needed to, except minor details had changed. Not that big of a deal in the grand scheme. It felt so good to have finally saved someone. She was someone in the time-lines who had been deemed so important."

He broke off again weeping bitterly. Jack spoke softly resting a hand on his shoulder, "What happened?"

"She was braver than me, in the end," the Doctor continued. He offered a mirthless laugh that was more of a sigh, "She killed herself to keep the time-lines in tact."

The Doctor met Jack's eyes, expecting to see anger, hatred and disappointment. There was only a deep sorrow that rested there. The Doctor inhaled deeply trying to regain control over his voice, "It wasn't until she did that, that I realized that I had gone too far. I thought I was doing the right thing: finally overcoming my guilty conscious and starting to really live. But, I turned myself into a monster."

The word 'monster' stunned Jack. In all their dealings with some pretty monstrous entities, Jack had never once heard the Doctor use that term. The Doctor called them, "creatures," always respecting the sentient beings he encountered. Jack then understood why the Doctor wanted to meet with him: he was worried about turning into the monster he had just revealed. Jack pulled the Time Lord into a tight embrace, wishing he could heal these horrible wounds with his compassion and love.

Jack whispered, "So... she did save you."

At that, the Doctor wept bitterly again. Jack whispered gently, "You are not a monster and I love you."

The Doctor lamely tried to push Jack away, but Jack held tight, "I'm not leaving you. I promise you, I'll stop you from going down that road again."

The Doctor stopped fighting and gave himself over to his own grief and Jack's love. When he could almost speak again, he squeaked out, "I'm sorry." 

Jack kissed the Doctor chastely on the lips and said, "I'm not."


End file.
